Sunday, April 13, 2014

A self diagnosed case of senioritis

Senioritis. A term for a fake illness that I thought was for primarily high school seniors.
According to the urban dictionary;

noun. A crippling disease that strikes high school seniors. Symptoms include: laziness, an over-excessive wearing of track pants, old athletic shirts, sweatpants, athletic shorts, and sweatshirts. Also features a lack of studying, repeated absences, and a generally dismissive attitude. The only known cure is a phenomenon known as Graduation.
Here I am in the home stretch of finishing Grad School (a place a never thought I would be) I find I have caught this likely contagious case of Senioritis. 

This strain though looks a bit different. The athletic wear has been exchanged for slightly classier yoga wear although one never actually makes it to the gym anymore. The mere wearing of said yoga wear is considered a huge achievement. Coffee in take has quadrupled and is not questioned when you are still drinking it after 8pm. Netflix has become the greatest of companions since free time is sparse and difficult to plan around. While friends have moved on with their lives, Netflix has sat there waiting with that next episode of a TV show you would have never watched before but now cannot seem to stop. Much of my time is spent contemplating not life after graduation but the manner in which I would fake my own death, flee the country and attempt the escape the mountain of student loans I will soon be facing. Hobbies now only include naps, existential moments and more naps.

Don't mind me. The cure is coming. :) 

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Flat Lined

Flat lined there for a moment. A chain of events resulted in my site becoming vaulted and my attempts of regaining it only left me running in circles.

As I looked at my flat lined stats I found myself considering if it might just be easier to let that one go. To let that dream die. 0 readers. That thought sounded quite nice actually. 0 critics. 0 people who would see my floundering attempts at putting words on a page. 

Because in the end it often seems easier to not try than to put yourself out there and not succeed. Who wants to fail anyways? I certainly wish I would walk into each day already a success. Roll out of bed with my hair perfectly intact, no pillow creases. Make it through the day without spilling coffee on myself. With a Midas touch everything around me would be perfect. 

For a moment I think how wonderful that would be. Just a moment though because it is not a reality. I know there is beauty in the mess. In the struggle. In failing and learning and moving forward. I may never fully arrive at that place but I can enjoy this journey for what it is. With all of the struggles and imperfections.

Beep, beep, beep. Breathing life back into this thing. 

Monday, March 17, 2014

Beloved Reminder

     It is a strange busy season which I find myself in (oy vey finals). Everything is in a constant state of change. That is enough to cause a state of panic internally for me. I was reminded last night by a dear friend though that there are some things which are never changing. Simple truths that I often forget. So today I reflect back and remember the truth of who I am. Truths that are not determined by this season, my accomplishments or anything else that I do.

     I went back to an earlier entry in which I had written out many of those simple truths. A couple years later and they still ring true.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Hello Beloved

    There are moments that are forever etched in my mind. Simple moments where simple truths have suddenly made sense.

    One such is camping trip that I took with some girlfriends. In the early morning hours we hiked to the highest point of the bluffs that surrounded us. As I overlooked the beauty that surround everything inside of me stilled.

    On the top of that bluff we began to read and declare God's promises for us. As we read over the scriptures someone posed the question "what if we called each other as God sees us?" Well of course we gave it a try the rest of the day.

"Hey Beloved"

"Anointed One can you pass the bacon?"

"Certainly Apple of His Eye, would you like some coffee?"

    We had a good laugh that day but the conversation struck a chord within me that resonates to this day.

    So often I find myself trying to define who I am by some unknown standard. I start to measure my identity by my accomplishments and failures. And the latter seems to far out weigh anything else.

    There is a line in a Jason Gray song that summarizes it so well
"When I lose my way,
And I forget my name
Remind me who I am
In the mirror all I see
Is who I don't wanna be
Remind me who I am "

    It's time I started calling myself as well as others by their true identity. Knowing who you are changes everything.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,
    The first time I started to write in a personal journal it was with hesitancy. The pages before me loomed with their blank daunting lines. I felt with certainty that it would take an eternity for me to fill those pages. So logically I flipped to the last page and wrote my epitaph. I wrote my name, my birth year and a dash. I was uncertain what number would come after the dash but it seemed logical that when I finished the journal that that would be the end.

     I wrote in that first journal my thoughts, my pain, sorrow and heartbreak. At times it did feel as though I was going to die and that would be the end of me. Then without realizing it I reached those last pages. There was no where else to write. I did not fill out the number at the end the dash. Where I was once so certain my story would end, it turns out it was just a chapter.So in awe I bought a new journal, turned the page and began a new journey.

    I often view my path in life the same way as that first journal. I think that this path, this turn in the road is it for me. That this is my life. Because I choose a certain location, career path, etc that this is the end all. When the reality is that this is just a chapter. The page will turn and the story does not simply end here. I am learning to hold openly my dreams and not attempt to nail them down to a certain time line. Because I don't know what number comes after that little dash.

Turn the page. I'm just getting started.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Sitting on the edge

     I sat on the edge of the United States yesterday. Waves crashed below my dangling feet as I perched on the rocky ledge.I had never imagined I would find myself at this place. This season. In truth I suppose I had not imagined much for my life at this point. I had merely adopted expectations of what my life would look like from others. Their expectations and thoughts of how it should be, how it ought to be. Career, income, marriage, families.

     But there I sat on the edge crashing waves all around, not succeeding in meeting any of those adopted expectations. This season I find myself in is coming to an end. Graduation day is looming in the near future (ee!) and after that uncertainty. Staring into that uncertainty from a place I never thought I would be is a bit whelming.

     In these moments when I feel so small, next to one of God's great creations, I find myself stilled. If I have learned anything over the years it is that when I have surrendered my own ideas of how it should be, ought to be; that while uncertain and scary the result has always far exceeded my own ideas.

Met these little guys yesterday.
     So in this season and place I never thought I would be I find myself continually trying to embrace every moment and not take it for granted. It is a season. One which will change as well. It doesn't look like I thought it would but it is quite beautiful.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

One of Those Days

Do you ever just have one of those days? Not even for any particular reason. It just is. But then sometimes it stretches out into a few more days....weeks even. I've found myself more often having one of those days. Yesterday I wore my "I give up" pants. The thought of wearing real pants was just more than I could bear. Probably a good plan seeing as I had just gotten my skirt stuck in an escalator a few days earlier.

I gave up on finding a picture to fit this post as well.
I often find myself stumbling into awkward, embarrassing and somewhat funny situations. In part because I am a bit accident prone and sleep deprived. I have long ago learned the power in embracing those moments. I have so many not pretty, graceful or put together "oh Emily" moments. But in sharing those moments I am reminded constantly that I do not have it all together and that I never will. As I laugh with friends and loved ones I am reminded again that I am not alone. That those days, those moments will happen. Life has a way of continuing on. Pretending that I have it all figured out or all put together leaves no room for those stories. Because the mess is going to happen no matter how much I try to keep it out.

So here I am learning daily to embrace the mess of those days.

Side note- I've got some new things in the works hopefully coming soon! Don't mind the changing format of the blog. I finally caved and started watching some formatting how to videos. After believing I could teach myself how to code and format, I've accepted I cannot.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Along This Journey

     It is an ever changing season I find myself in. One that cannot remain the same for many reasons. I found myself reflecting a bit this morning as I polished off my second cup of coffee. In this place of being neither here nor there, it can be a constant struggle of trying to find balance, understanding and even meaning.

     A little over a year ago I quit my job, packed my bags and moved across the country. It was not this experience that I found myself reflecting on this morning though. The process of leaving was not one of ease. The night before I left I stood starring at my car, uncertain that I could get anything to fit. Then D showed up. She shooed me inside and worked some packing magic that somehow got everything to fit. As I got into the driver's seat the next morning she pulled up our itinerary, travel playlist and map and back up GPS system (much needed). It was of epic adventures proportion as we traveled across the country, enjoying the moments, the scenery and the little things. A lover of adventure I embraced those moments. 

     Then we reached our destination. We hauled my belongings into the small apartment. I paused and sat on the stairs of my empty apartment. I found I could not move. I sat there starring ahead into nothing. I looked at D and voiced out loud what I had been too stubborn to say in Minnesota, too afraid to voice as we drove across the country. "What if I've made a mistake?"

     I will never forget that moment. D did not have answers for me. She could not give me a certainty where there will always be a bit of uncertainty. While I stumbled around in a state of shock D continued to gather the essentials together. We found an air mattress and some other supplies. She forced me to buy some groceries and begin to unpack. She reminded me of my dreams and goals. That regardless of how things turned out it did not matter if I continued to step out in faith, because really it is a journey not necessarily a straight line. More than anything D reminded me that I was not alone. While my path was my own and she could not physically stay with me, I was not alone on my journey. I could have made it across the country on my own. But I am so thankful that I had someone who was willing to go the distance with me. To help redirect me to the path that I knew I was suppose to be on when I started to question.

     My path in life looks so different from many of those I love but I find myself so continually thankful for the people that God continues to put in my life. For the ones who don't let me settle, or stay within my own comfort  zones. Who challenge me to pursue my dreams. Who believe in me even when I stumble, fail and occasionally lose my way. I would not be the person I am today without them.

     So today's post is dedicated to all of you and also mainly to D. Because today is her special day. I do not think I can express how grateful I am. Those Chipotle afternoons will always be some of my favorite.